I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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