matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
