Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
false alarm. still invincible.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Green mimosas i think yes
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
