Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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