batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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