I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
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