Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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