I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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