how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
