just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
