you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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