I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just high enough for therapy.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
