I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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