the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
