Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
