There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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