Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
