I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
