Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
