I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
