IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
