Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
we're so committed to being not committed
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
