literally had 100 drinks last night.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
