I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
