I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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