The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
