If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
