Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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