I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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