I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
40s are totally the cure
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
