So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
