so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
