I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
