he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
What drink are we having for lunch?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
