so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
