the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
