I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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