You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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