You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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