my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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