Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
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