Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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