So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
