so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
