I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Randomize
