You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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