Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
