I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
