My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
