As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
