If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
